• Be direct, such as “no, I can’t” or “no, I don’t want to.”
• Don’t apologize and give all sorts of reasons.
• Don’t lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt—and remember, this is what you are trying to avoid feeling.
• Remember that it is better to say no now than be resentful later.
• Be polite, such as “Thanks for asking.”
• Practice saying no. Imagine a scenario and then practice saying no either by yourself or with a friend. This will get you feeling a lot more comfortable with saying no.
• Don’t say “I’ll think about it” if you don’t want to do it. This will just prolong the situation and make you feel even more stressed.
• Remember that your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for other people.

Learning to say no has been one of the best things I have done for myself. Not only has it challenged me to overcome my fear of rejection, it has helped me to feel in control.

I don’t feel trapped, resentful, or guilty anymore. Instead, I feel empowered and free.

If you want that same feeling of freedom and empowerment, then take control, challenge yourself, and learn to say no.

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Nine Practices to Help You Say No

• Know your no. Identify what’s important to you and acknowledge what’s not. If you don’t know where you want to spend your time, you won’t know where you don’t want to spend your time. Before you can say no with confidence, you have to be clear that you want to say no. All the other steps follow this one.
• Be appreciative. It’s almost never an insult when people make requests of you. They’re asking for your help because they trust you and they believe in your capabilities to help. So thank them for thinking of you or making the request/invitation. Don’t worry; this doesn’t need to lead to a yes.
• Say no to the request, not the person. You’re not rejecting the person, just declining his invitation. So make that clear. Let him know what you respect about him — maybe you admire the work he’s doing, or recognize his passion or generosity. Maybe you would love to meet for lunch. Don’t fake this — even if you don’t like the person making the request, simply being polite and kind will communicate that you aren’t rejecting him.
• Explain why. The particulars of your reason for saying no make very little difference. But having a reason does. Maybe you’re too busy. Maybe you don’t feel like what they’re asking you to do plays to your strengths. Be honest about why you’re saying no.
• Be as resolute as they are pushy. Some people don’t give up easily. That’s their prerogative. But without violating any of the rules above, give yourself permission to be just as pushy as they are. They’ll respect you for it. You can make light of it if you want (“I know you don’t give up easily — but neither do I. I’m getting better at saying no.”)
• Practice. Choose some easy, low-risk situations in which to practice saying no. Say no when a waiter offers you dessert. Say no when someone tries to sell you something on the street. Go into a room by yourself, shut the door, and say no out loud ten times. It sounds crazy, but building your no muscle helps.